If you took your car to the mechanic to be fixed, and he told you what the problem was, but didn’t bother to fix it, would you be satisfied? Certainly not. And yet, when it comes to some of our own problems or issues, people seem happy to just understand the problem. Indeed, they don’t bother to try and fix it.
Is this any way to live?
Sure, you need to understand what’s wrong so you know what plan of attack to take. That’s why information is important and a first step in the change process. But again, despite how some people behave, it is not the only step!
Some people believe that change is impossible, of course. They see themselves as having a certain personality, temperament, or genetic make-up, or brain that forces them to behave in certain ways. As a result, when they behave badly, they essentially demand that others accept them as they are. In fact, perhaps your narcissistic spouse has been doing this? I now my narcissistic husband used to like to tell me about an old girlfriend who seemed to put up with anything he did—excusing it with something along the lines of, “That’s just who he is.”
Just as I don’t believe we should accept behavior in ourselves that is hurtful to the self or others, I don’t believe we should accept it in a partner. It isn’t good for either of you.
That isn’t the way to have and sustain a meaningful and enriching relationship It isn’t the way I believe we were intended to approach life, either.
How do I see it instead? That life presents you with challenges not so that you can ignore them, but so that you might tackle them and, in so doing, come to change and develop as a person.
Yes, I’m talking about self-development or self-improvement.
I even believe we are here on earth to engage in spiritual growth. (But please, don’t confuse spirituality with religiosity—basically a manmade creation whereas through spirituality, each of us can come to experience a source of knowing and guidance beyond the ego self).
If you’re not growing, you’re dying.
Quite frankly, don’t you often feel that’s how you’re living your life right now—that you’re dying versus growing? It makes sense. After all, when you live with a man who engages in verbal abuse or emotional abuse or psychological abuse regularly—and who likely displays signs of pathological narcissism and addiction, too—the real you dies just a little more each and every day. At least, that’s how it felt to me when I was immersed in my marriage with a narcissistic and addicted and abusive professional.
It doesn’t have to be that way, certainly. But you’re the one who has to see to it that things change. You have to be the change agent because it isn’t going to be your narcissistic partner perhaps suffering from alcoholism and pain killer addiction—or other addictions—who will do it. Instead, he’ll just continue to lead you down a path of destruction.
Wouldn’t you prefer to be headed toward greater contentment and more joyous living instead? As you embrace your true identity and try to make changes via enhanced spirituality, you should find these. Can you believe this for yourself? I certainly hope that you can.